I Get Knocked Down

(end-of-the-post-me):

It's gonna be a longer post, so strap in. Also, I kept the name, even if it doesn't fully fit. My brain couldn't come up with anything else at the time.

(after-the-end-of-the-post-me):

Nvm, I got the title to fit.

(start-of-the-post-me):

Gosh, it's been a minute, hasn't it? Since it was me at least. Back to back guests does give a spin on the 'ol crumbling schedule I had going, but my life seemed kinda dull and boring without having to write something.

In case you thought otherwise, I don't write these out in advance. Like, I can't just go into 'Drafts' and pick out a pre-written post and schlap it on my page or anything. Which means the post goes down about as fast as it leaves my skull. Grade A, First Class, cage-free content coming at you live, straight outta my noggin.

Anyway.

I always think I know what the post is gonna be about, so I write down one title for it at the top, and then about halfway through I usually wind up talking about something different and switching it all around. If you could get motion-sick from reading, this blog would be frickin Six Flags. Right now the title is "I Get Knocked Down". Like, the song. Well not the song, but the lyric. Chumbawamba's 'Tubthumping'. Look it up and give it a listen. We'll see if it sticks.

You're my favorite. Specifically you. The fact that you took time out of your busy day to sit down and read my post is astounding. There's nothing intentionally life-changing in here. I appreciate you, wherever you are. Maybe you're sitting in the break room at work, chomping down a Chipotle wrap. Maybe you're at your kitchen table trying to avoid getting up and getting things done. Maybe you're chilling in your dorm room at Andrews, or maybe you're reading this from the safety of your own bedroom, trying to keep your eyes open as you drift off into dream land. It's alright. I understand if you doze off.

(This is where the paragraph I just scrapped would've started)

Frick. I've been sitting at the kitchen table now for..... over an hour? I think? I keep writing things down, and then looking back at them and scrapping them. None of them seem good enough when they're written out. I could just start writing I guess and see where that takes me, right?

You know what? Screw it. Let's dissect my brain. The last two posts have been guests talking about either their mental health, or experiences that have affected it, for better or worse. My turn.

Here goes:

First off, I struggle a lot with self esteem. Or like, self-worth or whatever. I don't have a great image of myself. And I do it to myself. Well, some of it. Well, most of it. Here's what I don't like about myself: I hate that I haven't done anything with my life yet. Like, I don't know what I'll be doing in 10 years. I don't have a dream occupation, at least not that I know of. I have talents, sure, but nothing that'll help a career. I think.

Anyways, that's one thing. I hate that I pick at my nails and my lip. Both are horrible habits to have, and for the life of me, I can't shake 'em. It affects my appearance, and I'm already insecure about the way I look. Like very. I know there isn't anything I can really do that'll change anything about that. It's those gosh-darn genetics. I've been workin out for a while now, eating chicken, pasta, eggs, etc. Ice cream right before bed. Like I stated before, going to the gym multiple times a week. Zero visible progress. No weight gained, nothing. I hate that.

Kinda relating to the first one, I have this huge problem with peoples expectations as they relate to myself as a person. I never want to disappoint. Especially like, my family and stuff. So when it comes down to my future, I get super stressed out. I don't want to be stuck doing food-service my whole life. I want to do something that'll make money, make a living, support a family, etc. I don't have a whole lot going for me though. Again, I don't know what I want to do. It's not like I have a bunch of scholarship money laying around from graduating from downstate, which is mostly my fault, so college is a tough option, even if I did know what I wanted to go for.

Enough of the sob-story. Basically, I'm afraid I'll disappoint if I don't impress, but I have no idea what it's gonna take to impress, or if I even have the means to impress. I get so afraid of failure, and of others disappointment in me, that it stops me from taking chances.

Speaking of chances, I don't like relationships. Not that I've ever been in one. I disclose next to nothing about that aspect of my life, and that's not going to change now. That being said, I hate the times that I've tried. I hate the shots that I've shot. Not that they weren't justified. Every decision I've made in that field, every chance I've taken, I've meant with my whole heart. So I guess it's just the results that I've hated.

Love is powerful, love is serious, and I'll be damned if what I've felt wasn't it.

My insecurities, as they tie into these relations, are the reasons for which the arrows didn't hit their mark. Whether it be age, pre-existing friendships, or any multitude of reasons, I carry it with me. Now, age can't be changed of course, so I don't really sweat that one too much, but everything else, the possible but unreachable, that's what weighs on my mind.

A quick bullet point list: (TL;DR)

1) I have a poor self-view in regards to certain aspects of my physical form, some of which is self-inflicted through bad habits.

2) My future is yet to be determined, and the chances of failure and/or disappointment of my peers is holding me back more than I like to admit.

3) Love is complicated, and I carry the reasons for failed relationships with me all the time.

That was more than I've ever told anybody about anything personal, and yet I could expound further on all of those points. I don't know why I decided to throw all of this out into the internet, but hey. It's 2:57 in the morning right now, I'm 75% of the way through a Razzleberry Reign, I'm about halfway-ish through Snyder-Cut, and honestly, my brains trying to decide if it's asleep or coked up on caffeine. So no time like the present to spill all of this onto a keyboard, right?

I needed somebody to talk to about all of this, and that's originally what this whole thing started off as, right? I started this blog knowing that whenever I talked, somebody would be there to listen. Anybody. A person like me, in one way or another. We all have our own insecurities, and they all affect us in different ways.

I'd also like to apologize if this post wasn't the usual basket of cherries you expected. I don't even know where that basket of cherries thing came from. Seemed like it fit. Anyways, life isn't always like that, and it sucks. Life can be tough. Life can kick you down onto the ground, and tell you to stay there, maybe even like, sit on you, rub dirt in your face. Idk, I don't know a lot about how bullying works, but life's tough sometimes.

OOOOOOOOOH WAAAIIIITTTTTTTTT

I TIED IT IN. YAYYYYYYYYY

When life sucks, just remember Chumbawambas song "Tubthumping".

I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down!

That's all I got for tonight. I promise the next one will be happier.

Thanks for reading about what's going on behind my face and above my throat!

;)

-Dominic Romeo

3:10 AM EST

3/21/2021